The good you find in others, is in you too.
How many of you are in relationships and finding fault with the other person(s)? How many of you are taking on the project of trying to change the “offending” party and justified it by saying one of the following:
“But I just want them to change because I love them so much” (you probably do love them, that’s not the issue) or “I just know that if they meditated and prayed, they’d be better off; (they probably would; meditation and prayer have been proven to be effective) or “I just know if they followed a low-fat diet, dropped that extra weight, and lowered their cholesterol, they’d be happier” (this may be true too).
Stop trying to justify your what you are doing and answer the following question, regardless of the reasons, who are you really trying to change?
Trying to change others to be the way we think they should be or the way we want them to be is a recipe for disaster. No one likes to be another person’s project. And while it is certainly true that we can and do influence each other, lasting change only happens when an individual makes that choice for him or herself.
People don’t change because we want them to; they change because they want to. It doesn’t matter how clever, how noble, how skilled, how manipulative we might be, people only make lasting changes when they are willing and ready to do so. Period.
We can certainly help and support others to change, but only when the time is right. Have you noticed that when you jump in uninvited (no matter what the motivation), your efforts are seldom met warmly? But when another reaches out to you and invites you in, saying, “I’m struggling, and I could use some help,” or “I’d like your opinion,” or “I’d like your help in making a change,” the exchange is entirely different. Then, whatever you have learned along your life’s journey can be shared, and it will likely be helpful and appreciated.
So instead of trying to make other people be like us, why don’t we instead learn to accept—and enjoy—the great and wonderful diversity of human expression.
Everyone wants to find that special someone, but before that can happen ask yourself, how special do you think you are? Don’t think you are that special? Then how can you expect to find a special someone when you don’t consider yourself to be special? Special here is not referring to egotistical boasting, it is referring to how valuable you are to YOU!
How can somebody be right for you, when you aren’t even right for yourself? If you are not comfortable with yourself it is highly unlikely that being with someone will make you comfortable! As a matter of fact, the unease will show up and you will more than likely blame your partner for it.
So before finding the ‘right’ person, you need to be at ease with the here and now and become at ease with yourself.
You need to have a loving relationship with yourself in order to have one with someone else!
Most people have ideas of what their ideal relationship(s) would be like, but most people don’t get that kind of relationship and they wonder why.
My question is “is the kind of relationship you want, the kind of relationship you are having with yourself?”.
Have you ever encountered those people who will never admit that they did or are doing something wrong? They always have an excuse as to why it’s ok or how it is someone else’s fault?
Always on the defensive. Don’t waste your breath on telling them why they are wrong, majority will never admit to it. Their ego gets in the way of that. But the real question is, why do you NEED them to admit to their fault(s)?
Your ego is what is getting in your way! (Wayne Dyer has a wonderful acronym for ego, Edging God Out!). Your ego needs to right so someone needs to be wrong!
You sometimes feel the need to fix the “wrong” of others, to point out their “wrong”, when maybe you need to take a look at what may need fixing in YOU. You only have control over you and that is where you need to put your focus. The rest will fall into place once you start doing that.
Another way to look at is, what if they acknowledge what you see as wrong, then what? What difference does it to make to your life-situation?
Changing your perspective, changes your situation.
Whatever annoying habit someone may have, what you need to think about is why are you letting it get to you. You are the one feeling the annoyance, you are the one allowing this to happen to you. So you are also the one that can stop it.
Stop trying to place blame or getting people accept blame and focus on becoming a better you!
Parenthood is one of the many roles as adults we “play.” I wrote an article some time ago called “Your Authentic Self” and it spoke about how we identify with our roles and wear masks, well that is pretty much what most of us unenlightened adults do with our parenthood role.
I read section of Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose and it dealt with how we confuse parenthood as a role or function.
He pointed out that many adults play roles when they speak to young children. They use silly words and sounds. They talk down to the child. They don’t treat the child as an equal. This stems from the fact that the adults temporarily know more or that they are bigger, so they don’t see the child as an equal… as another being.
The majority of adults, at some point in their lives will find themselves being a parent. The all-important question is: Are you able to fulfill the function of being a parent, and fulfill it well, without identifying with that function, that is, without it becoming a role?
Part of the necessary function of being a parent is looking after the needs of the child, preventing the child from getting into danger, and at times telling the child what to do and not to do.
The problem lies when being a parent becomes an identity, i.e. instead of it being a function, something you do, it starts becoming who you are…it starts to define who you! So when your sense of self is entirely or largely derived from it, the function easily becomes overemphasized, exaggerated, and takes you over. Giving children what they need becomes excessive and turns into spoiling; preventing them from getting into danger becomes over protectiveness and interferes with their need to explore the world and try things out for themselves. Telling children what to do or not to do becomes controlling, overbearing. What is more, the role-playing identity remains in place long after the need for those particular functions has passed.
Parents then cannot let go of being a parent even when the child grows into an adult. They can’t let go of the need to be needed by their child. Even when the adult child is forty years old, parents can’t let go of the notion “I know what’s best for you”. The role of parent is still being played compulsively, and so there is no authentic relationship. Parents who define themselves by that role are unconsciously afraid of loss of identity when they cease being parents. If their desire to control or influence the actions of their adult child is resisted, as it usually is, they will start to criticize or show their disapproval, or try to make the child feel guilty, all in an unconscious attempt to preserve their role, their identity. On the surface it looks as if they were concerned about their child, and they themselves even believe it, but they are only really concerned about preserving their role… their identity.
A mother or father who identifies with the parental role may also try to become more complete through their children. The parents’ ego takes over and the need to manipulate others into filling the sense of lack it (the ego) continuously feels is then directed toward them. If the mostly unconscious assumptions and motivations behind the parent’s need to manipulate their children were vocalized, they would probably include some or all of the following:
“I want you to achieve what I never achieved.”
“I want you to be somebody in the eyes of the world, so that I too can be somebody through you. Don’t disappoint me.”
“I sacrificed so much for you. “
“My disapproval of you is intended to make you feel so guilty and uncomfortable that you finally conform to my wishes. And it goes without saying that I know what’s best for you. “
“I love you and I will continue to love you if you do what I know is right for you.”
Does any of this sound or feel familiar? Is this what we have been doing?
Now when we look at them, we immediately see how absurd they are, the ego that lies behind them becomes visible, as does its dysfunction. The beautiful thing is once you see what you are doing or have been doing, you also see its futility, and that unconscious pattern then comes to an end by itself. Awareness is the greatest agent for change.
So today, right here, right now, let’s perform our parental functions and not be wrapped and identified by it, this will help us raise more conscious and well-adapted adults!
The time has come for us to step out of our comfort zone. To go after what scares us and excites us at the same time. That thing that makes pit of our stomachs quiver, now is the time. We have spent time finding excuses as to why we can’t (and those are innumerable), now let’s look at the benefits if we do this thing.
We have dreamt it, now its time to believe it, feel it and go for it. It is time we realized that the comfort zone is not so comfortable after all. Let yourself feel what it would be like to live your dream and you will realize how uncomfortable you really are in your comfort zone.
So today let’s step out of the comfort zone and see what you know to be true, be free!
What do I want to write about? What is important to talk about? How about getting what you want?
Everyone says they deserve the best, but how many of us truly believe it? Clearly not a lot, and it is evident in the number of poor and unhappy people in the world. Most of us feel guilty about having things, we feel selfish if we go after what we want, we hide behind what other people think and what they perceive us to be. Some of are even indoctrinated into thinking that having money is a sin! (The people without usually come up with this).
We need to step out of our comfort zone, go for what we want and know that we deserve it and we WILL get it, the doors will open and what we really and truly want will become clear and answers/solutions will be right there.
Affirmation: I am in tune with the Infinite and I can do what needs to be done. Through the power that dwells within me I can succeed, I can overcome, I can be what I want to be.